I’m never quite sure what to expect
when I ask people about their experience with yoga. Some people start doing
yoga for exercise, others for a spiritual awakening and many of us want both
the spiritual and physical incorporated into one. Whatever the reasons are,
yoga is becoming an important part of many people’s lives. This month Cynthia
Spence volunteered to be YogaSole’s new student of the month. She has been a
student since YogaSole opened and it’s a gift from the universe that she chose
to share her story, especially during the month of Thanksgiving.
Cynthia
and I e-mailed back and forth about how to tell her story. Yoga is a personal
journey for each of us and sometimes it’s hard to articulate what it means to
each of us on a personal level. When Cynthia shared her story with me via
e-mail I was on the Q-train and immediately took on the role of “woman crying
while reading an e-mail on Blackberry.” Cynthia’s story has a piece of
everyone’s story, which is what makes it so unique. I continue to be blown away
by the peaceful energy of students and teachers at YogaSole. There is a silent
warrior revolution happening at the studio in Windsor Terrace.
I’ve
thought of many different ways to tell this story. Cynthia tells it best. It is
her own. Here are her words. This month, this year, this lifetime I am thankful
for them:
Yoga is important to us because it’s non-competitive,
no-cost, and can be done at any age and with any handicap. Each person who
practices it eventually finds peace of mind in the moment, and those moments
begin to add up and make big changes.
I was not scared in starting, just limited in beliefs of
what was possible with my physique. The first time I touched my toes in Seated
Forward Bend (Paschimothanasana) I cried. It was this little quiet goal since
childhood and I never thought I could do it. What I ended up finding terrifying
is the important component to yoga – meditation. No one told me how scary it is
to sit with one's thoughts for a specific period of time. I find I do better
sitting with a group. So savassanah isn't scary because I just spent an hour
with all of my classmates. But meditation alone can a very difficult practice
to maintain.
I have a few auto-immune dysfunctions since childhood
(with the prognosis was that I’d be crippled at old age and there was a
constant threat of blindness in childhood). I developed slight arthritic joint
scarring that formed some limitations in movement in adulthood. So my way of emotionally
coping has been somatic and I had always been so focused on ‘fixing’ my body
and managing chronic and, often enough, undiagnosed pain.
I had occasionally taken yoga classes (and really liked
them) over the last twenty years, but it wasn’t until YogaSole opened that I
built a yoga practice. About ten years ago, I attended yoga classes twice a
week at a gym, and anger would show up so fiercely that I’d often have to leave
in the middle of class. Either I was never given instructions about staying
present, accepting life as it is, or it WAS given throughout those classes and
I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Also, I had a deep desire to have ANY kind of committed physical regimen.
I’d look at the people in my life who, daily, ran or cycled or did the gym
thing with total commitment, whether they liked it or not. I couldn’t wrap my
head around sticking to anything like that, even as I suspected it could be a
life-changer for me. I really dislike gyms, and was never encouraged to exert
myself.
I joined YogaSole shortly after it opened. And because I
had been to other studios I was watching for what made this one so different.
Was I the more ready, pliant student, or was Evalena and her teachers building
a community of us new yogis of all ages and shapes? Many mornings a week, I got
to actually feel my body as I calmed my mind, and I felt connected to my fellow
students as well as Evalena and her other amazing teachers.
Anger didn’t come up very often, but tears did. Yogasole
is such a safe, nurturing place, with really good INSTRUCTION about observing and feeling and
accepting as we faced poses. Because my poses opened up lots old emotional
hurts. There was much laughter, too! Every new person coming in had such
disbelief about being able to do certain postures, and always the message
driven deep into our muscles was that we are where we are, stay curious, use this time to care for ourselves, and be vigilant
about not comparing ourselves to others. I think about a year into
attending classes regularly, one gray morning I was in a crappy mood, trudging
up the hill to the studio. It dawned on me that I had the commitment: whether
happy or sad, achey or feeling energized, I was practicing yoga. A nearly
life-long dream of having a personal, committed physical regimen came to be!
I
remember the first New Year’s day class as another turning point: It was an
all-level party/class and I got ‘stuck’ between two ‘advanced’ students. I
didn’t push myself to do what they could do; rather, I felt a soar of
inspiration for the beauty of watching them in their poses. It was breathtaking,
and I did none of the comparative stuff that we can all do. This milestone has
been so helpful. Because I then DID reach the athlete’s mental and physical commitment: I DID go to the studio six days a week for
at least a year and a half and my cut body was able to do the poses I had seen
that New Year’s day, as well as many more. I went on a cleanse and discovered
some food allergies. Along with changing my diet and my near-daily yoga
practice, I lost about 25 pounds, which is a lot on a 5’ frame. My pains
changed, energy rose, life felt more whole. I was no longer just in my
head, but in my body. This was difficult to get used to; my life opened up
very quickly and I had to adjust to so much energy and pleasurable movement. I
was way better over 40 than any age under it.
Right
now, I am not able to take advanced classes. For about a year, too much
repetitive pain arises if I do. If yoga was any kind of sport, I’d now be
depressed, feel failed, searching for the miracle doctor to ‘fix’ my body so
that I can keep pushing towards physical goals.
I now attend the therapeutic and restorative classes –
that’s what my body wants. Do I miss all of the awesome poses I used to be able
to do? A teeny bit. I miss challenging myself physically. But I realize that my
current challenges are to honor my body as it is, to keep doing yoga to feel
everything just as it is. And, always, whatever was hurting before class
dissipates greatly. If it weren’t for yoga, I’d still be stuck in my head, on
the hamster wheel with doctors, fixes, relief for what I had found unacceptable
about myself.
As I got stronger, I became softer on myself. I rarely
personalize my pain anymore. I’m not THRILLED with it, but I’m not flawed because I
experience it. This I wish for others – it’s an amazing place to be. This was a
really important part of the yoga journey for me: I had worked with not feeling
too much pride when I was accomplishing advanced poses, so now that I do
different, simpler poses, I’m not so attached to pushing my body into some
ideal that could actually be harmful to me.
I always believed I was a sickly child, and not remotely
hardy as an adult. It made me feel different and envious and fearful about pain
in old age. Yoga has really changed much of how I see myself, and it’s exciting
to know that it will be a part of me and will continue to change many of my
perceptions as I age. Who says I won’t gain even more energy at 80 than I have
now? With yoga, I get to revel in whatever movement is possible at the time. And
I often really revel in it! Each time I step through that door, greet Evalena
and my Sole neighbors, I release my physical and emotional cares, reboot my
whole system and get my shine going again.
Yoga helps us to be more contented with what we already
have, and we’re more mindful of how desire distorts, how it’s fed to us around
the clock. Yoga calms things down long enough to help us figure out what we
actually need, and sorts out what we truly want.
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